I Should So Be Invited to Bella and Edward’s August 13th Wedding
Next Saturday is the big day. Though I didn’t get my invitation, except the refrigerator magnet one handed out by Summit Entertainment at Comic Con, I would still very much like to attend the Bedward nuptials so that when the doddering male preacher (as seen in the trailer) asks if anyone objects, I can jump up and shout, “I do! I do! Don’t marry him you crazy fool!”
Why do I think Bella is a fool? Ok, some of you won’t love me for this, but I don’t think anyone should marry at eighteen. Not anyone.
Sure, sometimes it’s successful, it was for my parents, who married at eighteen and are still together 57 years later. But, more often than not, young marriages – heck – all marriages – fail. And what’s the rush? If you want to be together for all eternity like the Bedward’s, why not wait until your adult brain is fully formed and tie the knot at 25?
If you are marrying just so you can get to the headboard busting, well, call me all twenty-first century, but that’s just nuts. The idea that one has to be married before they have sex is sooo Victorian-esque. Please, can we finally admit that humans are sexual creatures?!? Making people get married to have sex doesn’t make for better marriages (or better sex!) – it makes for a high divorce rate and a large number of sexually frustrated people!
If I could bend Bella’s ear, I would say, “Girlfriend, your virginity warrior needs to be schooled. You are not some virgin prize for him to unpack only after he puts a ring on it. Call off this craziness and do it already. Heck, why not shack up for awhile? You have got forever, the wedding bit can wait.”
And, if Edward would only bother to read my thoughts, he would hear me thinking “Dude, get a grip. Literally. You’re one hundred plus years of abstinence is making you crazy. Either beat that sparkly meat yourself or let Bella do it for you. Your DVSB (deadly-vampire-spunk-build-up) is causing you some serious angst!”
Not to leave Jacob out, I would advise he study up on sexual harassment and learn about the importance of consent. I would tell him, “Come on, Mr. Shirtless, she needs to WANT to kiss you. Otherwise, it’s not hot. Not romantic. It’s assault.”
Here’s hoping my invitation arrives in the next few days as I could give advice to so many others at the reception. They need me there. Heck, I can even direct those interested to some great sex toy shops in nearby Seattle.
How about you, dear readers? Why do you deserve an invitation?