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I Should So Be Invited to Bella and Edward’s August 13th Wedding

August 6, 2011

Next Saturday is the big day. Though I didn’t get my invitation, except the refrigerator magnet one handed out by Summit Entertainment at Comic Con, I would still very much like to attend the Bedward nuptials so that when the doddering male preacher (as seen in the trailer) asks if anyone objects, I can jump up and shout, “I do! I do! Don’t marry him you crazy fool!”

Why do I think Bella is a fool? Ok, some of you won’t love me for this, but I don’t think anyone should marry at eighteen. Not anyone.

Sure, sometimes it’s successful, it was for my parents, who married at eighteen and are still together 57 years later. But, more often than not, young marriages – heck – all marriages – fail. And what’s the rush? If you want to be together for all eternity like the Bedward’s, why not wait until your adult brain is fully formed and tie the knot at 25?

If you are marrying just so you can get to the headboard busting, well, call me all twenty-first century, but that’s just nuts. The idea that one has to be married before they have sex is sooo Victorian-esque. Please, can we finally admit that humans are sexual creatures?!? Making people get married to have sex doesn’t make for better marriages (or better sex!) – it makes for a high divorce rate and a large number of sexually frustrated people!

If I could bend Bella’s ear, I would say, “Girlfriend, your virginity warrior needs to be schooled. You are not some virgin prize for him to unpack only after he puts  a ring on it. Call off this craziness and do it already. Heck, why not shack up for awhile? You have got forever, the wedding bit can wait.”

And, if Edward would only bother to read my thoughts, he would hear me thinking “Dude, get a grip. Literally. You’re one hundred plus years of abstinence is making you crazy. Either beat that sparkly meat yourself or let Bella do it for you. Your  DVSB (deadly-vampire-spunk-build-up) is causing you some serious angst!”

Not to leave Jacob out, I would advise he study up on sexual harassment and learn about the importance of consent. I would tell him, “Come on, Mr. Shirtless, she needs to WANT to kiss you. Otherwise, it’s not hot. Not romantic. It’s assault.”

Here’s hoping my invitation arrives in the next few days as I could give advice to so many others at the reception. They need me there. Heck, I can even direct those interested to some great sex toy shops in nearby Seattle.

How about you, dear readers? Why do you deserve an invitation?

6 Comments leave one →
  1. August 7, 2011 2:30 am

    Maybe that’s why you didn’t get invited… weddings are to celebrate love, not to try and make it look like the immature consequence of desire and old manners. Bella has made her decision, which later on proves to be just the right one, so why have unnecessary bitterness at the wedding? Thank God for Alice, the perfect wedding planner with the perfect guest list.

    I would like to go because I want to wish them luck, to celebrate their love and happiness, think of the future star called Renesmee, not because I want to stop/ruin/pollute the celebration.

    Can we please just admit Bella and Edward got married because they were IN LOVE, not because they were some sexually-urged, mindless creatures that thought marriage was the only way to get what they craved? Bella knew what she wanted, no matter what everyone tried (tries) to make her believe. At eighteen she was more mature than many 40-year-olds. She had time to think it over, and she made her choice and fought hard and bravely for it. No one has the right to intervene.

    Go Bella go! You’re sure of the life you want, darling! And you too, Edward! And YOU are the ones getting married, so don’t let anyone try to poison you!

    P.S. : Have we already forgotten the beautiful: “Jacob! Kiss me. I’m asking you… to kiss me.” I’m pretty sure she wanted it. And it was hot. And romantic.

    • Natalie Wilson permalink*
      August 10, 2011 12:47 am

      Historically, marriage and weddings were not about love, they were a property exchange. (Hence the “who gives this woman” line and the woman taking on the male name to represent ownership of HER by HIM.) The entire true love thing is very new, a mere blip on the historical landscape.
      I don’t agree that Bella’s decision is proven to be the right one, that is up for interpretation. I think a better decision would have been for her to go to college, personally.
      And, no, I cannot “just admit” they got married because they were in love – that is one reason, sure, but they also got married as that is the culturally expected norm, because the religion of the author places high importance on marriage and NOT having sex before marriage, and because BELLA WANTED TO HAVE SEX! This is very clear throughout the saga – yes, she loves him, but she also wants to get in his pants!
      As for here being more mature, well, I suppose that depends how you are defining maturity. Cooking for your dad and not feeding yourself? Going into a catatonic depression when the male you like rejects you? Jumping on a motor bike and off a cliff to feed your delusion hearings of his voice? I don’t find any of those particularly mature.
      If my daughter makes similar choices, you can bet I will do my utmost to intervene in every way – because I LOVE her and want her to be able to stand on her own to feet. And that brings me to a key point that you don’t bring up about her character — I think one of the reasons Bella was so hungry for love (and physical contact) is the LACK of love she gets from her parental figures – one being off with her new lover, the other too into his fishing and sports to pay her much mind… On that note, there is a very good essay that argues as much in my forthcoming edited anthology, Theorizing Twilight, out in November.
      Finally, the first time Jacob kisses Bella she does NOT ask him to, she punches him in response. That is assault. And something Mr. Wonder Dad Charlie congratulates Bella for! No wonder the poor girl is mixed up when it comes to love and sexuality!

  2. August 9, 2011 7:26 pm

    I totally agree.

    And I’m sorry to say, wedding isn’t about being in love. Otherwise I would’ve already been married half a dozen times. And thank God in Heaven I didn’t (I’m 24).

    I was always mature for my age. I still believe in the basic things I discovered at 16, 17 in terms of philosophy, spirituality and the meaning of life. But even mature kids need to grow up. I even think it’s horribly pessimistic and sad to imagine that you know all you need to know at 18…

    Maybe it’s only my old-fashioned, outdated reverence for old age and wisdom, but there’s a real grace and blessing in time passing for me. I think it’s essential for teenagers to make their own experiences, and for parents to accept that they cannot spare their children all the chaos and mistakes which is part of growing up/older. But you can’t deny the chaos and the mistakes.

    Thank God our perspective changes between 18 and 25. Thank God we’ve learnt something! (Hopefully we keep learning till we die.) Thank God love has come and gone, thank God people have come and gone, so we have learnt to deal with loss and change and forgiveness!

    Wedding isn’t about being in love. It’s a commitment towards the future, not a recognition of the present.

    For me Bella and Edward’s love story is like Romeo and Juliet (also wildly romantic teenagers, and not for naught). It should be doomed to be any good, but then Meyer doesn’t have Shakespeare’s talent.

    • Natalie Wilson permalink*
      August 10, 2011 12:57 am

      Thanks for your comment.
      And too true that Meyer is no Shakespeare!

  3. Liz permalink
    September 22, 2011 9:28 pm

    I read this post the other day and loved it. Today, my mom said something that reminded me of the post. Let me preface this by saying my mom is a wonderful woman who has been married 5 times. Each marriage was rushed into and ended just as hastily. Currently, she is living with her boyfriend of nearly one year. She is a religious woman and this is the first time she has ever lived with a man before marriage, living in sin as she calls it. She told me today she feels like she needs to get married soon because God is angry with her for living in sin. I passionately begged her not to do this! I tried to point out Joe important it is to take one’s time when choosing a lifelong partner. I even tried to reason with her through her religious views, stating God must prefer one to take marriage seriously and take time to discover one’s quirks and bad habits. She didn’t believe that, she feels so much guilt living with this man, getting to know the real him, that she will once again rush into a marriage she is not prepared for. This is a huge problem in our society! Thank you for pointing out the copious problems arising from premature marriages.

    • Natalie Wilson permalink*
      October 3, 2011 3:08 pm

      Thanks so much for sharing this story and sorry for my late reply. Hope you will keep reading and commenting!

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