Twi-Lost? Musings on a Twilight/Lost Mash-up
As I immerse myself in preparing a number of upcoming posts on Lost for Womanist Musings, Girl with Pen, Professor, what if…? and the soon to be launched Ms. Magazine Blog, I couldn’t help but imagine how two of my pop cultural obsessions of the moment, Lost and Twilight, would fare in a mash up.
Ryan McGee of Zap 2 It had a similar idea a few months back, posting about “ten ways in which “Lost” would be quite a different show if it took place in the “Twilight” universe. My favorite of the list is number nine: “Kate Austen would still be in a love triangle, but bite her lip approximately 200x more often while trying to decide between Jack and Sawyer.” (For the full list, go here.)
My own vision of the mash up goes something like this:
Bella, flying to France (on Virgin Air of course), would successfully persuade Alice to try and turn her vampire in flight. However, Edward picks up on Alice’s plan and, in order to reverse time, runs around the planet counter-clockwise in Superman-style. Next thing they know, Alice and Bella wake up on the island in 1974. Alice is thrilled – she enjoys 70s fashion. Bella is too busy staring at Sawyer’s six pack to notice she is no longer on the airplane.
Back in Forks, Jacob Black is visited by Jacob, the god-man of Lost, and told to hop on the next flight to Los Angeles in order to save Bella. Jacob grabs a dream catcher and gallops to the Sea-Tac airport in wolf form, boarding the plane with Sayid, Sun, Jin, Charlie, and Hurley. Mid flight, Charlie asks if he can borrow Hurley’s guitar and goes a bit mad when told it holds a crucifix rather than a musical instrument. He punches Hurley in the jaw, Sun, sitting nearby, tries to intervene. “Button up your sweater and sit back down Mrs!” shouts Jin. Sayid, a few rows back, pulls out a picture of Rosalie and strokes it longingly. After a blinding white light, they all find themselves crashed on the island. Jacob, instead of shifting into a wolf, turns polar bear and runs off to battle the smoke monster.
Meanwhile, Edward boards a plane in search for Bella. Next to him sits a heavily pregnant young blonde woman with a cute Australian accent. Edward finds her blood enticing. He rubs his temples angrily, muttering to himself “think of Bella, think of Bella.” Mid-flight, the woman next to him goes into labor. “Don’t worry, my dad’s a doctor,” coos Edward and proceeds to help Claire deliver her child. When the baby fails to start breathing, Edward frantically clamps the child to his (deformed looking) left nipple. The baby latches on greedily, and, as she sucks, begins to sparkle.
Back on the island, Ben turns some wheel, kills a bunch of people, and then leaves the island in a hot air balloon emblazoned with the words “Team Jasper.”
Richard Alpert reveals to Bella that he too is a vampire in hopes of taking her eyes off Sawyer and Jack. Locke overhears and stakes him through the heart. Hurley shows up and gives Kate the guitar case, she takes out the crucifix and finds a note with directions to the Volturi Temple. Kate wrenches Bella away from the Sawyer/Jack triangle and they head to the temple. Their, they find a very pale looking red-eyed Juliet sitting on a throne. “Congratulations, ladies, you have found the Lost Twilight Temple. Together we will build a new society, where vampires, werewolves, polar bears, smoke monsters, and humans can live together peacefully. Welcome to the dawn of the Twi-Lost Matriarchy.”
Then, they all live happily ever after, rejoicing in the end of patriarchy and organized religion. They provide healthcare for all island inhabitants (provided by Dr. Carlisle and Juliet), they make sex education and reproductive justice top priorities, and they insist on education BEFORE marriage (while not putting in truck in the idea of ‘saving’ one’s virginity). Esme plans the architecture and the island soon rivals Rome. Alice and Rousseau form a band with Charlie. Jasper opens up a “New Masculinities” university and schools Jack, Sawyer, et al to get in touch with emotions other than anger. Sun and Emmett fall in love and open an island animal sanctuary. Locke, his faith in destiny shattered, finally comes to grip with his sexuality. He and Aro fall in love and sail off into the sunset. Rosalie and Sayid discover how to manipulate time and space and regularly leave the island to travel Doctor-Who-style to other galaxies. Faraday tags along. Bella realizes the whole Edward thing was just a crush, admits she actually hates to cook, and has the time travelling team return her back to Forks where she begins college applications in earnest. Claire won’t put up with Edward’s controlling tendencies, and he learns (with Hurley’s help) what an egalitarian relationship looks like. Baby Renaaron grows stronger and cuter by the day. She has a special fondness for Juliet, whom she calls Auntie Julie. Hurley tames the smoke monster and he and Jacob become best buddies. They take to rebuilding the island’s van pool.
Or, perhaps a mash-up would be more like The Fine Brothers imagine it in this parody clip: